Jamie And Maggie Watch The Amazing Race

Not only could we do it better and faster, but we'd have more fun. (But since we're not racing, we'll have to settle for the blog.)

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Episode 10: We Try To Be Psychic

Well, Jamie does, anyway. Still no word from Maggie. She might be touring with Madonna.

I think tonight will be non-elim, with Ray and Yolanda coming in last.

Next week, they'll get knocked out, leaving the Frats, the Hippes, and Mojo for the final week. That does put us at the final week, right?

Despite one final non-elimination tossed in there, the teams will arrive at the final Pit Stop in that order.

The rest of the season has been overwhelmingly predictable. Why should the last few episodes be any different?

Have fun watching tonight. See you tomorrow.

Monday, May 01, 2006

Episode 9: Perth, Australia

(Maggie is busy covering the kickass Coachella concert in Palm Springs, so I'm covering the initial reactions from this week - she might add her love later.)

As the racers are starting to feel the finish and smell that million, some long-simmering rivalries are popping to the surface.

Team Bong and Monica & Joseph trash-talked each other all over downunder, and they weren't the only one.

Unofficial Smack Talk Tally:

1. Lots of nastiness from Monica & Joseph over other teams' decisions to leave the penniless Team Bong some cash.

2. Stemming from the same topic, Yolanda got in a dig on Trollbaby and her Trollboyfriend saying, instead of cash, Monica and Joseph,"Probably left a psych letter, knowing Mojo. They act like they nice, but they NOT."

3. When Team Bong got to their SUV and discovered who was generous and who was not, they also had some choice words to say about "Mojo."

4. It's not exactly smack talk, but all the teams were hoping and certain Team Bong would not make it aboard the only flight of the night that would get them to Perth. When the Hippies squeaked aboard at the last possible minute, I'm sure the other teams thought some choice words, while the Hippies enjoyed a little well-deserved gloat.

5. Monica actually regressed and restorted to a "Stinky Boys" taunt asTeam Phi Beta Shut Uppa passed them on the road in Greece. She then alleged that the Frat Boys were "kidnergarten babies who stick their head in gravy."
Big talk from someone who is afraid of LOBSTER.

6. More griping from Monica & Joseph over Team Bong, and vice versa.

7. Preview smack talk! In the Scenes From Next Week's Episode... OfThe Amazing Race, Blond Hippie declared it "Yield Season - and Monica and Joseph are prey."

Sometime between all the Yo Mommas, Teams managed to fly to Perth, Australia, choose between two beach detours, navigate a difficult Roadblock at theFremantle Prison, then get themselves to the Fremantle Sailing Club,the Pit Stop for this leg of the race.

Which Detour Would You Have Picked?

Jamie: Sand or Sea... Sand seemed like it would have been faster. Turned out to be kind of brutal, and ultimately, it would depend on my partner. I have a lot of snorkel experience, but it's not something everyone is good at.

How Would You Have Fared On The Roadblock?

Jamie: Horribly. All I could think about was how difficult that wouldhave been for me. I have zero sense of direction, and it's even worse in places like that - indoors, where everything looks about the same. Give me bungee-jumping any day.

As far as which teams I like best/least, and who I think will take it all...

It's interesting, because there are four teams left, and they are split evenly for my affections. I pretty much equally like Ray & Yolanda and Team Bong, and I pretty much equally dislike Team Phi Beta Shut Uppa and Joseph & Trollbaby.

But I don't think I'm going to be happy during the finale. I've had a sinking feeling for a long time that the Frat Boys would take it all, and I don't have much faith - or see much of an indication - that they won't.

I pretty much have my predictions set for the rest of the season, down to non-eliminations, but I'll wait until predictions on Wednesday to bust them out.

Episode 8: We Take A Break

I missed the 1st 15 minutes of the episode, and Maggie went out of town to visit her brother.

Back soon.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Episode 8: We Play Psychic

Jamie: No more formatted predictions. This season is starting to get too crazy.
Maggie: Plus, you've been too busy working, and I've been busy drinking.

Jamie: We've got Team Bong starting last, Team Phi Beta Shut Uppa starting first. Joseph & Trollbaby, The Oldies, and Ray and Yolanda all shuffled into the middle. Kind of a sausagefest, huh?
Maggie: Sausagefest? When the frat boys are involved? Nah ...

Jamie: Anyway, I have to put the Frats in first, again. They are so, so far ahead. And even when they only have a tiny lead, it doesn't matter - none of the other teams seem capable of taking advantage and moving past Team Tan, Horny, and Sexist. What is up with that?
Maggie: I think the hippies are capable of moving past. But they might have spent far too many episodes admiring the asses in front of them.

Jamie: Last team to arrive? Aren't The Oldies tired YET?And still not sure what's up with the non-elimination rounds. Are there any? Three? Fewer? One tonight? I don't think I have the patience at this point to watch the begging. Although, if it's Team Oldies stripped of money and possessions, I'm sure instead of trying to find some cash, they'll just roll over and give up, moaning, "It's oooover" all the while.
Maggie: I'd like to see a non-elim round where the team has to travel nekkid. Unless it's the old folks, in which case I would probably poke my eyes out with blazing hot forks.

Episode 7: Greece

For Christ's sake, leave Italy and Greece already.

This leg of the race began in Rome, Italy, with some of the most blatant, disgusting product placement we've ever seen on the show -- a "Da Vinci Code" challenge. Oh, please. At least that stupid gnome is cute. We can't say the same for Tom Hanks and his beaver pelt of hair.

Teams then flew to the ancient Agora in Greece, where a fast forward was waiting. To win it, teams had to break plates at a local restaurant in search of a special plate with a race flag inside. This, honestly, looked like so much fun. And when I build my dream house someday, it will have a specific plate-smashing room to get out my aggression. Aggression that right now is directed at Eric & Jeremy, who won the fast forward and skipped ahead to the pit stop at the Fortress of Rion.

The remaining teams traveled by train to Isthmos station. Three teams get off the train too early and have to take a bus the rest of the way.

At the best roadblock so far in this race, one team member has to bungee jump off a bridge. Fran cried.

The detour was a choice between “Herculean Effort” and “It’s All Greek To Me.” In “Herculian Effort,” teams had to complete three events from ancient Olympic games. In “It’s All Greek To Me,” teams searched an archeological site for nine pieces of pottery with Greek letters that spelled out the next location.

Eric & Jeremy are the first team to arrive at the pit stop, and they win a trip to the world premier of the Da Vinci Code movie. That is the lamest of prizes.

Lake & Michelle finish last and are eliminated from the race -- just when we were starting to warm up to their shouting.

Which detour would you have picked?

Maggie: I would have picked Herculean Effort," only because "It's AllGreek to Me" sounded far more difficult than it really was.They just had to pick up nine random pieces of pottery! Gah. The person who came up with that deserves a javelin shoved in the eye.
(Aside: I bet the frat boys were PISSED that they missed the homoerotic wrestling at the ancient stadium.)

Jamie: I had a sneaky suspeicion that "It's All Greek" was easier thanit looked because of the clue to "translate" Greek letters. I've nevertaken Greek, belonged to a fraternity or sorority, and I hated My Big Fat Greek Wedding, but I still know most of the Greek alphabet - not much of a translation challenge, there. I probably would have deferred to my racing partner for this one."

How would you have fared on the roadblock?

Maggie: I might have come into this world from a broken rubber, but I don't really want to go out on one.
That said, that looked like the most awesome bungree jump ever. The water was so beautiful, and the bridge was a perfect launch point. I would have done it in a second. Maybe even less than a second.
Also, I do not know how Barry didn't push Fran off the bridge during her crying jag. Just shut up and get it over with. Then she went and did it, but she had the worst body position possible. Fran might actually be less aerodynamic than a concrete block.

Jamie: Not much to say except "Ditto." That jump was amazing. I'd havebeen scared to death, but would have done it and loved it, anyway.

At this point, which team is your pick to win it all?

Maggie: I really think God is on spring break, because it's lookinglike the frat boys might take it all. And yes, it gave me chills andcold sweats just to type that.

Jamie: They do seem unstoppable at this point, don't they? If I was creating Vegas odds, Team Phi Beta Shut Uppa would be the safe bet.

Which team do you like best?

Maggie: This week's major mistake by Blonde Hippie might actually bode well for the team. I think they're going to be more cautious and careful for the next few legs -- when it really matters.
I also really liked how Blonde Hippie was more upset about possibly damaging his friendship with Brown Hippie than he was about possibly ruining their chances to win the race. And the frog hat? Adorable! I want one.

Jamie: I'm still a counselor at Camp Ray and Yolanda, and I can't wait to see what happens when they start to argue a little. Whatever happens, I'm sure it'll be smoking hot.

Which team to you like least?

Maggie: The only good thing about the frat boys winning the Fast Forward was that they were off my TV screen in 15 minutes flat. They need a good kick in the head."

Jamie: I'm going to have to fall back on my standard answer, all season long: Yeah, the Frat Boys suck, but Team Oldies make me reach for the remote. Get Philiminated already, Fran and Barry.

Quote of the Week:

"You never handed it to me, bitch. Now shut up."
-- Lake to Michelle

Most Annoying Quote of the Week:

"Oh God. It's pulling me. Oh God. I'm so scared. So scared. Oh God. Oh God. I'm scared."
-- Fran on the brink of bungee

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Tip From A Reader

WARNING: It's all speculation, but still - POSSIBLE SPOILER AHEAD.

Reader tip:

Hey James. If you're a betting gal, I've got a lead pipe for ya. Eric and Jeremy are going to win The Amazing Race. Many online casinos have already stopped allowing people to bet on the race because so many people have bet on them.

Again, purely speculation, and it seems like this type of gambling information "leaks" during every other reality show. But still... it lines up with our theories - and we're not happy about it.

Any guesses for the win? We'd love to hear what you think in the comments.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Episode 7 -- We Pretend to be Psychic. Or Not.

File this under "Screw it."

Usually we put our predictions for race day up here. But this week we decided the hell with it.

The damn race hasn't changed a bit since the very beginning.

Coming in first will either be the lovable hippies or the fratties who need a punch in the face. And because there is no God, those damn old people will remain on the show.

More griping to come tomorrow.

Episode 6: Italy

We actually had predictions good to go this week, but they didn't get posted. Maggie had to work (psssht) and Jamie couldn't get Blogger to work.

It doesn't matter, though, because both of them were wrong, wrong, wrong.

You know why? We both feel one of the best parts of The Amazing Race is how unpredictable it is. But it seems like nothing has changed, all season long. All the teams are staying in this nice line, with the Team Bong and Phi Beta Shut Uppa on top, the other teams getting picked off the bottom, in order, one by one.

This week, the victim was Team Nerd. But more on that.

The racers woke up in Sicily and had to drive to Catania where they had a choice at the Detour: Big Fish or Little Fish.

They either had to carry a big, drippy, 32-pound fish through a market and sell it to the right guy, or they had to sell 4 ounces of these little guys to whoever they could get to buy. All the teams went with Ol' Oozy, except for The Oldies, who seemed to make their sales quickly.

Most of the teams made short work of a Kayak Polo roadblock, where they had to make a goal before moving on.

Because there is no justice in the universe, the Frat Boys prevailed again, and were delighted to find they won a cruise, solving the burning question of what they would do on their honeymoon.

And since all the tiams arrived in the same order they left, Philimination was the fate for our lovable geeks.

Jamie: I am so torn on the Hippies. I laughed my ass off when BJ (Tyler? I can never remember - the brown one) declared Phi Beta Shut Uppa "dumb," but if Tyler (blond one) does not stop randomly crying "A-Pizza Pie-A!" all through Italy, I'm going to put a mob hit on his ass.

Then again, the fake sign-up sheet is one of my favorite moments of the show, ever. I laughed and laughed some more when the Frat Boys ACTUALLY SIGNED IT. And then the editors came full circle with that quick throwaway shot of Ray picking it up, looking at it questionably, then moving on... Classic.

Maggie: Oh man. As the Hippies were marinating on the idea of that sign-on sheet, I was screaming at my TV. "Do it. Do it. DO IT!" And I'm so glad they did. That cracked my shit up.
In fact, I laughed so much during this episode. Trollbaby's breakdown while a swordfish bled all over her? AWESOME. Annoying Fran yelling "Hello? Hello? Hello?" while cluelessly looking for the groundskeeper? HILARIOUS.

And then when Lake mistook a random Italian dude for the groundskeeper? And the guy gave him a high five when Lake was really expecting the clue? I laughed my ass off. My ass? GONE.

Quote of the week:

"She's going to be Fish Barbie."
-- Hippie about Trollbaby during the fishy detour

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Episode 6: We Try To Be Psychic

No predictions yesterday, of course, because they made a switch -- Wednesdays at 8 p.m. EST. New one tonight.

Jamie: This switch is good for me. New work schedule starts at 4 a.m. Need sleep.I have no idea what is going on this week, but I know it entails various racers hauling giant dead fish around a flea market, and a Trollbaby Tantrum complete with her declaration, "It's the worst thing I've ever done!"

I can't wait for the breakdown.

Maggie: I'm pissed about the new time and day. This screws up everything. For years now, my biological clock has been set to watch The Amazing Race on Tuesdays. And now? Wednesday? What the hell are they doing?
I will grudgingly watch anyway, mostly for the fishy breakdown of Trollbaby. I also hope Joseph gets pissed and throws a fish at her. My kingdom for a cod in her face.

Who will be the first team to arrive?


Jamie: I'm going for an upset - Lake & Michelle.

Maggie: I'd love to see Ray and Yolanda up there, now that they've got some fire under their hot asses.


Who will be the last team to arrive?

Jamie: I predicted a non-elim round last week and was wrong, but I'm going to have to re-predict. I think Team Oldies will come in last, and have to beg for some cash.

Maggie: Old people, it is time. You have to leave the show.

Friday, March 31, 2006

Episode 5: Team Evaluations

LAKE & MICHELLE

Maggie: Lake becomes more and more like Yosemite Sam every episode. I think there was a full five minutes of him at the airport, steamcoming form his ears, muttering, "Dag nabbit. Those frickin' people. Not one of those sons of bitches are on our flight ..."

Sometimes I'm kind of offended by his redneck tendencies. But othertimes I just want to clap my hands and demand more, more, more! Like,what would happen if that rackin' frackin' varmint rabbit got away once and for all?

Jamie: I was disppointed he didn't call the other teams varmints.Totally waiting for it.

He's the worst type of jerk - the kind of jerk who doesn't THINK he'sa jerk. You can tell he considers himself a tough but fair competitor. Nope. Jerk.

He's also the type of person who KEEPS SCORE of who makes more mistakes - himself or his wife. I don't think I need to elaborate that point.

Lake mentioned that he's a dentist again - this time, I involuntarily shuddered at the thought of him poking sharp things around my mouth.Calling my teeth "varmints" would only be amusing for about 5 seconds.

Remember when they were trying to figure out who should do the "Plunge It" mission in Russia, and Michelle randomly went, "What if I have tobe naked?" A part of me thought they chose Laundry over Foundry because with all those clothes around, Michelle probably wouldn't have to take hers off - you never know when The Amazing Race might require you to carry a bell through town... NAKED.

TEAM BOOBS

Jamie: "We're two girls! We're 22! We just graduated college!"

Shut UP, Team Boobs. I was so, so embarrassed for them when they used their GENDER to explain away why they suck at The Amazing Race. They didn't suck because they're girls. They sucked because theSUCKED. Stupid mistakes, no hustle, and no recouperation from any of their many setbacks.

They sucked because they completely missed thepoint of the game, as evidenced by their closing quote:"We learned more in the race than some people learn in a lifetime, about themselves!" What bizarre, misguided ego. I learned that Team Boobs sucks - probably more information than D or D or Double D will learn in THEIR lifetimes.

Maggie: Way to get back at Lake and Michelle, girls. By getting Philiminated.

Also, I can't wait to see how the frat boys react to this. Will they set their sights on Team Bong?

RAY AND YOLANDA

Maggie: It blows my mind why these two race so poorly. They're smart.They get along OK. And they're built like brick shithouses. Why are they always at the back of the pack? Is it because they are so very directionally challenged? Or are they just slow?

Jamie: Let's blame racisim! No, I'm kidding.

I think the being directionally challenged has a lot to do with it. And you have to have a little fire in you, to run a good race - this past leg, when it looked like they were in danger of Philimination, was the first time Ray and Yolanda showed any spark. Like Team Boobs, they've been playing not to lose. I'm not sure if they have the stuff to play to win.

DAVID & LORI

Maggie: I bet David hasn't sweated that much since the last time theyhad sex while watching "Star Trek."

I did feel bad for Lori, though, on the Roadblock when she was overthinking the statue thing. Sometimes, Lori, life just hands you extra pieces.

Jamie: As we already discussed in our last entry - I would have done the exact same thing. I really, really felt for her, and was even cursing the race planners and maybe kicking some things a little bit.

I'm not sure, man. I'm seeing some cracks in their shiny Nerd veneer.They're starting to get frustrated with each other, and I really did not like how Dave was giving up during the Laundry task - how could he give up when there were still clothes on the line, still tags to be found? I fear the Nerds might be in trouble.

TEAM BONG

Maggie: I like these guys a lot. I know you found their Italian accents to be cringe-worthy, but I still think they're hilarious. (Like the "digital imaging!" thing at the Pit Stop. Hee.) They're great racers, they're having fun, and "a-pizza pie" comments aside, they're really respectful of the places they visit.

Also, I loooved their tribute to the Bowling Moms. How cute!

Jamie: Yeah, they're okay. I've historically liked them. They just got on my nerves a little, this past episode. They still are racing the tie-dye right off of their own shirts, thought, and that pretty much rocks.

PHI BETA SHUT UPPA

In lieu of their normal Team Evaluation, Maggie and Jamie this week have compiled a list of quotes, straight from the dick-scented mouths of Eric & Jeremy. Because Jamie can't be bothered to remember their names, sometimes they will be refered to as "Brown Frat" and "Blonde Frat," as they are referred to in Jamie's head. Sometimes we don't even bother to distinguish between them.

"Push it harder!"

"Your hair looks fine." -- Brown Frat to Blonde Frat, because Blond Frat was sucking up time grooming in the rearview mirror. (For once,that's not a euphemism.)

"I can take my shirt off and show you, if you want." -- Blond Frat toBrown Frat, as Brown Frat tried to assemble a statue of a nude man during the Roadblock.

"This has to be one of Phil's turtlenecks." -- One frat discussing fashion to the other.

"Holy hottie!" -- said Blonde Frat ... about as awkwardly as Elton John checking out a female.

JOSEPH & TROLLBABY

Maggie: Trollbaby cracked me up this episode. It was like a game of"How many ways can she mispronounce 'Palermo?'" That, on top of her monologue about how she isn't a dumb blonde, made for some great comedy.

And Joseph -- nice muscles.

Jamie: As she was giving that tired "Let 'em think I'm a dumb blonde"speech, I went, "Ah. The ol' Jessica Simpson strategy." I think thiswas the first time a team was nearly UNABLE to book a flight, based on butchering the pronounciation of the destination name.

TEAM OLDIES

Maggie: Get a clue. Seriously. How many times will this team miss theclue boxes? It was funny the first time the cameraman got a perfect shot of the dopey duo walking right past a clue box as they said, "It's nowhere here, obviously." But the second time? That's pathetic.

Jamie: Maggie, these two suffer from Clue Box Blindness. It's a DISEASE, and it's not very funny to knock other people's ailments. You are SO insensitive sometimes.

And once again, the T-Mobile Play Hard Get More Team of the Week, as chosen by America, is The Oldies. America, for real. Just because they are wrinkly and Barry wears weird skullcaps doesn't make them awesome or even charming. The only explanation I can think of for their continued popularity is that they remind a nation of their grandparents.

They're negative, whiny, complaining, would-they-fucking-DIE-already grandparents.

Maggie:
Aw. I hope one of their grandkids puts that on a cross-stitched pillow.